“Quiet divorcing” defined is a slow, mostly invisible, retreat leading to a split. Relationship Trainer, Julie Nise, says over time this happens. “This is describing the normal state of affairs in a normal relationship- it has ups and downs. Furthermore, divorce is anything but quiet, and they happen because people because of a disengagement and they don’t keep the connection going. At some point expectations are not being met.” Nise said.
She says some couples stay together during a period they are not connected emotionally, for social and financial reasons for years. It is what is decided during that low point in the relationship that makes the difference. She says it is like any friendship that needs attention and effort for sustainability. In addition, it’s when expectations are not met- be it physically, emotionally or sexually- where resentment sets in and even- contempt, and that’s when the marriage is in real trouble.
“Unfortunately, traditional therapy will just stare at all the things that happened so far where you argue about your past and bring up your childhood. So, I would advocate going someplace that gives you skills that you can use to change things and make things better.” Nise said.
She says most couples aren’t skilled at problem solving. If couples can’t solve the differences of opinion in the relationship, they will end up in debates and arguments the entire time. She recommends seeking guidance from a mentor, a relationship trainer, or a book focusing on improving the skill set.
Nise says the best advice she can offer is to hone the ability to come outside your own head, notice what’s going on outside of you, and respond only to that.